I don’t know everything. That will come as no shock to any sane reader of this blog, but it does come as a shock to me sometimes. That’s not because I am afflicted by delusions of grandeur and an over-sized ego; instead, it is because not knowing everything means there is stuff to learn, which, in turn, means that there might be change in the safe and perfect world that I have created for myself with my own omniscience. I could be wrong. I could be ignorant. That could suck. Of course, I could just stick tight with what I know to be true, do it my own way, smile and politely discount anyone who offers advice, wallow in obstinate self-righteousness, ignore the lived experiences of others that might contradict or inform my own, miss the opportunity to understand or to make my world and the world I share with others better. That would really suck.
Ugh. Ok, so fine: back to the gym. (Really? How is that going to work? Maybe this girl needs to get OUT of the gym.) I’ve been thinking about this and it isn’t close to perfect but I’m going to put it out there anyway (see blog post #1). I’m thinking that maybe I might need to get the hell out of my own way and LISTEN.
My knee hurts. I didn’t do anything major to it, but it is painful when I do certain things and I’m frustrated because that holds me back. I don’t really know what is wrong with it, so I do my best to power through and ignore it and hope it will get better. But that isn’t REALLY true: I DO know what is wrong with it (because my trainers have TOLD me) and ignoring it is not going to make it better (they told me THAT, too). The problem is that I don’t LISTEN. Yes, I hear what they say (do this stretch, don’t do that move, give it some time); I nod in understanding and agreement; I even begrudgingly accept the modifications that they give me in the moment. But, I’m not really listening. Instead, I’m going through the motions. Yes, I’ll do that stretch tonight, but I’ll forget about it tomorrow. Worse, I’m hearing all kinds of crazy shit in my own head- I’ll skip the run tonight to save my knee, but I know that really just means I couldn't hang so I’ll feel guilty and angry with myself since it is obvious that my trainer (who is trying to TEACH me something) and the rest of the class (who is NOT looking at me) thinks I am worthless. So, my knee will still hurt and now my pride will hurt but I STILL won’t listen. Instead, I will ignore the pain and I’ll hide and try to push away my paranoid insecurity and I’ll get stuck here with my foolish drama and my hurty knee and we will both miss the opportunity to get better. And maybe there will be a comma, but don’t count on it.
Or, maybe not. Maybe I can get out of my own way. Maybe, just maybe, I will accept the fact that someone trying to teach me something is not, at the same time, implying that my need to be taught is evidence of my worthlessness, ineptitude, hopeless folly, willful blindness or, worse. Maybe they are teaching me something that I need to learn because learning it will make me better not because not knowing it means I currently suck. Maybe, if I LISTEN, I will learn. And get better.
Last night, I heard Gary Johnson (Libertarian candidate for president) tell Anderson Cooper (sliver fox) and Shetamia Talyor, a mother and Black Lives Matter supporter who was wounded in Dallas when police officers were viciously attacked and killed in the midst of a peaceful protest, that he believed that his head had been in the sand on this issue of race in the United States. He didn’t say he knew all the answers or that he understood everything she wanted to express. He didn’t pretend to have it all worked out. Instead, he implied that he had learned something. He suggested that he was willing to LISTEN to learn more.
And, that got me thinking. I’m thinking that ignoring the open wound that is race in our community is not the way to make it better (don’t I already KNOW this?). I am thinking that hearing but not listening is not enough. I’m thinking that admitting that my head is in the sand does not make me a fool but instead makes me someone who wants to learn and that learning something might mean change in the safe and perfect world that I have created for myself. And that could help to make the world a more safe and perfect place for other people.
This is a “to be continued” and “more to come” kind of blog post and a real-life “work in progress”. I hope I’m getting somewhere. I’ll continue to think about it as I do my stretches and ice my knee.
Ugh. Ok, so fine: back to the gym. (Really? How is that going to work? Maybe this girl needs to get OUT of the gym.) I’ve been thinking about this and it isn’t close to perfect but I’m going to put it out there anyway (see blog post #1). I’m thinking that maybe I might need to get the hell out of my own way and LISTEN.
My knee hurts. I didn’t do anything major to it, but it is painful when I do certain things and I’m frustrated because that holds me back. I don’t really know what is wrong with it, so I do my best to power through and ignore it and hope it will get better. But that isn’t REALLY true: I DO know what is wrong with it (because my trainers have TOLD me) and ignoring it is not going to make it better (they told me THAT, too). The problem is that I don’t LISTEN. Yes, I hear what they say (do this stretch, don’t do that move, give it some time); I nod in understanding and agreement; I even begrudgingly accept the modifications that they give me in the moment. But, I’m not really listening. Instead, I’m going through the motions. Yes, I’ll do that stretch tonight, but I’ll forget about it tomorrow. Worse, I’m hearing all kinds of crazy shit in my own head- I’ll skip the run tonight to save my knee, but I know that really just means I couldn't hang so I’ll feel guilty and angry with myself since it is obvious that my trainer (who is trying to TEACH me something) and the rest of the class (who is NOT looking at me) thinks I am worthless. So, my knee will still hurt and now my pride will hurt but I STILL won’t listen. Instead, I will ignore the pain and I’ll hide and try to push away my paranoid insecurity and I’ll get stuck here with my foolish drama and my hurty knee and we will both miss the opportunity to get better. And maybe there will be a comma, but don’t count on it.
Or, maybe not. Maybe I can get out of my own way. Maybe, just maybe, I will accept the fact that someone trying to teach me something is not, at the same time, implying that my need to be taught is evidence of my worthlessness, ineptitude, hopeless folly, willful blindness or, worse. Maybe they are teaching me something that I need to learn because learning it will make me better not because not knowing it means I currently suck. Maybe, if I LISTEN, I will learn. And get better.
Last night, I heard Gary Johnson (Libertarian candidate for president) tell Anderson Cooper (sliver fox) and Shetamia Talyor, a mother and Black Lives Matter supporter who was wounded in Dallas when police officers were viciously attacked and killed in the midst of a peaceful protest, that he believed that his head had been in the sand on this issue of race in the United States. He didn’t say he knew all the answers or that he understood everything she wanted to express. He didn’t pretend to have it all worked out. Instead, he implied that he had learned something. He suggested that he was willing to LISTEN to learn more.
And, that got me thinking. I’m thinking that ignoring the open wound that is race in our community is not the way to make it better (don’t I already KNOW this?). I am thinking that hearing but not listening is not enough. I’m thinking that admitting that my head is in the sand does not make me a fool but instead makes me someone who wants to learn and that learning something might mean change in the safe and perfect world that I have created for myself. And that could help to make the world a more safe and perfect place for other people.
This is a “to be continued” and “more to come” kind of blog post and a real-life “work in progress”. I hope I’m getting somewhere. I’ll continue to think about it as I do my stretches and ice my knee.