"Run your own race". That was the sign at the starting line of my very first 5k. It made me cry. I was such a bundle of nerves and seeing that reminder that it didn't matter where I finished in relation to the other people there put me over the edge into full-on puddle. I only had me to answer to. Go.
And, yes, finishing really was its own reward. The personal accomplishment of running that race was pretty huge. Yes, it isn't whether you win or lose, its how you play the game. I definitely did not "win", but I trained and I put my whole self in. Yes, the satisfaction of a job well done is a special type of victory. Yes, yes, yes.
While all those affirmations are true, what is also true is that sometimes it sucks to be last. Believe me, I know; I have experience. I'm the slow girl: the one who turns a chipper into an all day event. It isn't unusual for me to be a round (or more) behind the super-humans in my gym class. I do get discouraged sometimes when I know that no matter how hard I try, "running my own race" is still a snail's pace. But, I hit every rep and never count more than I've done. (In fact, sometimes I end up doing MORE because I forget where I was). I'm not saying I wont quit. Hell yes, if time is up, I'm done. If I just can't do more, I'm out. I'm not afraid to call it over when I'm spent. But I don't count 9 as 10.
What's wrong with me? Let's be honest, if I skipped a rep now and then, my workout would be easier and my performance would look better. I might not be last. If I cheated a rep now and then, no one would know. Except me. I would know. I would know that I didn't do what I said I did. I would know that my performance was fake. I would know that I'm just a poser. I would know that I cheated and I lied about it. I don't need that kind of knowing.
It is important to me that other people know that I am true, that I don't cheat. It is important to me that I know that about myself. I want others to play fair and be genuine. I am disappointed when I find out that they're not. I'm not naive enough to believe that liars don't lie, but I am naive enough to believe that it is better to not be one of them. And, I like that.
Still, it is de-motivating when I see others getting ahead when I know that they are cheating. At the gym, to continue my life-metaphor, I don't mind earning my last place finish as much as it gets under my skin when some random girl next to me counts her reps by 2s.* I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. It doesn't affect my performance, so why do I care? I've been thinking about that one.
Cheaters only cheat themselves, right? Actually, no. When someone cheats reps at the gym it affects the energy in the room: it damages the collective faith that we are there in a good energy space where we share our misery and our triumphs. Cheating steals that energy, takes without giving, even if no one notices and much more so when someone does. Even when no one is trying to be looking at you. So, please don't cheat in front of me and think that I am in that space with you, and understand that you are adding injury where you could be adding strength; know that that goes way, way, way further than just the gym (that's how metaphors work).
I'm thinking that, in our wider world, we cannot let those who would damage our energy set the standard. We are not wrong for not cheating and taking the easy way out. And, it is in the things we might think of as the little things, the things others may look at and think are trivial, that we need to value and protect our own integrity so that when the bigger tests come, we have some practice.
Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking. I read that on some Facebook meme once. But, the more I thought about it, the more I was sure it sounded too good to be the ususal "inspirational", so I was compelled to look it up to be sure that I'm wasn't stealing somebody else's words. Yup, the Google says C.S. Lewis and the correct quotation is: "Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching". You can look it up here (and get an inspirational photo as a bonus): http://mobile.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/cslewis700208.html
That's right. I looked it up. I don't think it would be wrong to have just used it; it does have that "public domain" feeling about it. But, I had the idea that it might be more than what it appeared to be a first blush, and I didn't want to do the wrong thing just because it was the easy thing. I felt like I owed that to myself, and, it turns out, I owed it to C.S. Lewis and, ultimately, to us all.
*Important caveat: at my gym people do not cheat, are much more likely to do extra reps just to hang in with a straggler like me, and always go hard.
And, yes, finishing really was its own reward. The personal accomplishment of running that race was pretty huge. Yes, it isn't whether you win or lose, its how you play the game. I definitely did not "win", but I trained and I put my whole self in. Yes, the satisfaction of a job well done is a special type of victory. Yes, yes, yes.
While all those affirmations are true, what is also true is that sometimes it sucks to be last. Believe me, I know; I have experience. I'm the slow girl: the one who turns a chipper into an all day event. It isn't unusual for me to be a round (or more) behind the super-humans in my gym class. I do get discouraged sometimes when I know that no matter how hard I try, "running my own race" is still a snail's pace. But, I hit every rep and never count more than I've done. (In fact, sometimes I end up doing MORE because I forget where I was). I'm not saying I wont quit. Hell yes, if time is up, I'm done. If I just can't do more, I'm out. I'm not afraid to call it over when I'm spent. But I don't count 9 as 10.
What's wrong with me? Let's be honest, if I skipped a rep now and then, my workout would be easier and my performance would look better. I might not be last. If I cheated a rep now and then, no one would know. Except me. I would know. I would know that I didn't do what I said I did. I would know that my performance was fake. I would know that I'm just a poser. I would know that I cheated and I lied about it. I don't need that kind of knowing.
It is important to me that other people know that I am true, that I don't cheat. It is important to me that I know that about myself. I want others to play fair and be genuine. I am disappointed when I find out that they're not. I'm not naive enough to believe that liars don't lie, but I am naive enough to believe that it is better to not be one of them. And, I like that.
Still, it is de-motivating when I see others getting ahead when I know that they are cheating. At the gym, to continue my life-metaphor, I don't mind earning my last place finish as much as it gets under my skin when some random girl next to me counts her reps by 2s.* I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. It doesn't affect my performance, so why do I care? I've been thinking about that one.
Cheaters only cheat themselves, right? Actually, no. When someone cheats reps at the gym it affects the energy in the room: it damages the collective faith that we are there in a good energy space where we share our misery and our triumphs. Cheating steals that energy, takes without giving, even if no one notices and much more so when someone does. Even when no one is trying to be looking at you. So, please don't cheat in front of me and think that I am in that space with you, and understand that you are adding injury where you could be adding strength; know that that goes way, way, way further than just the gym (that's how metaphors work).
I'm thinking that, in our wider world, we cannot let those who would damage our energy set the standard. We are not wrong for not cheating and taking the easy way out. And, it is in the things we might think of as the little things, the things others may look at and think are trivial, that we need to value and protect our own integrity so that when the bigger tests come, we have some practice.
Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking. I read that on some Facebook meme once. But, the more I thought about it, the more I was sure it sounded too good to be the ususal "inspirational", so I was compelled to look it up to be sure that I'm wasn't stealing somebody else's words. Yup, the Google says C.S. Lewis and the correct quotation is: "Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching". You can look it up here (and get an inspirational photo as a bonus): http://mobile.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/cslewis700208.html
That's right. I looked it up. I don't think it would be wrong to have just used it; it does have that "public domain" feeling about it. But, I had the idea that it might be more than what it appeared to be a first blush, and I didn't want to do the wrong thing just because it was the easy thing. I felt like I owed that to myself, and, it turns out, I owed it to C.S. Lewis and, ultimately, to us all.
*Important caveat: at my gym people do not cheat, are much more likely to do extra reps just to hang in with a straggler like me, and always go hard.